I realize that it has been a few days since I posted. I have been struggling a ‘bit and feel just…..sad. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and talking it out, and I have started to see some things a little ‘bit clearer. This is going to be more of a vent ‘sesh, but I kind of need to just get this out there and off of my chest so I feel better. 🙂 There may not be any order to what I’m saying, but I’m just getting my thoughts down on paper…or computer screen. 🙂
As I’ve talked about in previous blog posts, the one thing I struggle the most with is moderation. For me, everything is either in excess or nothing at all. It’s sooooo hard for me to find that balance, that in between! So I either have to be all in or I feel like I go all out. Prime example is eating a “cheat meal”. It’s really hard for me to eat good all week, and then on a Saturday, indulge by having A burger and A beer. That burger and a beer turns into cheese curds for an appetizer, sweet potato fries as a side, 3-4 beers, AND a dessert. By then, chances are that I will probably end up eating something else “bad” that night, and maybe even again Sunday morning because I figure, “Well, I already blew it, what’s the point now”. It is SOOOOO hard for me to kick this mentality. Because of my difficulty with this word “moderation”, I find that it leads to me getting VERY upset with myself…beating myself up…calling myself fat, a failure, etc. I look in the mirror and am not happy with what I see so I just throw in the towel. In turn, I eat away those feelings of shame, guilt, etc.
On the contrary, I don’t allow myself to have a life when all I focus on is my diet and what “I think” is me feeling really good. You see, when I am not indulging at all, my life is blogging, diet and the gym. I become so obsessed with it in a sense that I shut myself out from the outside world and don’t let myself enjoy any of the wonderful things that my ONE beautiful life has to offer. When I think about everything that makes me happy, they all have to do with being with friends and loved ones, socializing, traveling, etc. With these things I enjoy, eating out, trying new foods, having drinks together, etc. comes naturally. I can’t do these things and be truly happy if I’m constantly obsessing over my weight and every single thing I put into my body.
That being said, I not only need to try and practice moderation more, but I need to become comfortable with who I am and what makes me happy. I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF. Would I rather be 140 pounds and “miserable”, meaning that I have to watch every. single. thing. I. eat.? If I have that burger one night a week or five nights a week, do I want to be in that place where I am constantly beating myself up for doing so? That place of preaching self hate rather than self love? Or, would I rather be 150 and not as “slim” as I am trying to be, but healthy, working out and enjoying life? That right there is what I’m struggling with on a daily basis. I have to come to realize that God gave me so many FABULOUS things so why focus on the one area of my life that I’m not happy with? Weight, beauty, etc. is only skin deep. These things are ever evolving and ever changing. 20 years from now am I going to care more that I went out and had that burger with 10 of my best friends or that I turned it down because I didn’t want to slip up because I “couldn’t control myself”?
With this, I also find that I am struggling with maybe the “unrealistic” goals I set. I know that if I go into lock down and don’t let myself “live” over the next three months, I will be 140 by Germany. But that means no eating out, no enjoying summer, no living life. How fun does that sound, especially when I have many busy weekends ahead of me full of friends, laughter, concerts, travel, etc.? THOSE are more important to me than being 140 pounds by Germany. I will never get those moments back. As referenced above, those are the moments that I will remember in 20, 30, 40 years time.
That being said, I’m shifting my goals a ‘bit. I’m making them more realistic for me. I want to get to 148 – 150 before I go to Germany. This was the weight that I was in the beginning of this year, and I truly think this is my “happy weight” for now. Back in January, I was not hating myself for being up to 148 pounds from 140, but I knew I could get back down to 140 if I really tried. Hell, even at 150 I was still finding myself fitting in my clothes and feeling frickin’ FANTASTIC about life. That’s when I met Ryan, and I truly think that was because I was confident in who I was, felt good about myself, and was enjoying life. I was happy. 🙂 So happy that I put on 10-15 pounds LOL but I should be thankful that I have found someone who makes me happy and that I’m not miserable at 140 with a guy who is emotionally abusive.
So, that being said, that’s my new goal. It’s more realistic, attainable and still allows me to live my life this summer and enjoy the things I want to do. When winter comes, we’ll see where I go, but for now, it’s shifting. Because tomorrow is never promised, and I don’t want to live my life cooped up inside and not able to be out with my family, boyfriend and friends because I don’t know moderation. I promise I’ll practice it though. 🙂